In the sleepy Derbyshire town of Matlock, a most heinous crime took place on April 28. A lorry driver pecked a 70-year-old woman on the cheek, after she helped him free his stuck truck from under a bridge by directing traffic.
The man thanked her with a kiss, and now he’s wanted for sexual assault. Seriously.
Nearly three weeks after the incident, Derbyshire Police appealed to the public for help tracking down the suspect.
Commenters speculated that the man may be wanted for breaching social distancing guidelines, but that’s not the case. The police explained that his crime “would be classed as sexual assault, as the woman did not [ask] the man to kiss her on the cheek.”
Derbyshire’s finest were roundly mocked on Twitter. “This must be the country’s most ridiculous police ‘service,’” one commenter tweeted.
“I think this is the final step of the world going mad,” another remarked.
As the laughter grew louder, the police deleted their tweet, and the press release on the incident from their website, offering no explanation.
However, it’s not like the Derbyshire Police aren’t used to mocking and derision. This is the same force that dyed a popular swimming spot black in March to keep potential crowds of teenagers away, and posted a drone video to their Twitter page shaming citizens for walking their dogs during the lockdown.
Some commenters joked that the cops must have “solved all the other crimes in Derbyshire and are now simply just trying to keep busy.”
At time of writing, the cheeky trucker remains at large, free to thank pensioners at will.
Asked what he thought of Western civilization, Mahatma Gandhi famously replied, “I think that would be a good idea.”