But let’s not kid ourselves. These taxes won’t make you healthier—they’ll just fatten up the pockets of politicians, who'll funnel the extra cash into contracts with their pals. Oh, it’s all for your "well-being," they say, while wiring funds to their offshore accounts.

Monteiro’s really concerned about your waistline, mental health, and diabetes, so his genius solution? Make food more expensive! Apparently, taxing ice cream is the cure for global obesity. But let’s be real—it’s not about helping you eat better. It’s about padding the wallets of overpaid bureaucrats who’ll get their buddies to “reformulate” those evil foods.

Sure, there’s evidence—UPFs are linked to all sorts of health problems. But seriously, can we at least appreciate the convenience? Meanwhile, if you’re thinking, “Won’t these taxes hit the poorest the hardest?” No worries! Monteiro’s already brushed that off as “ridiculous.” His master plan? Flood poor areas with fruits and veggies—problem solved. Who’s paying for that? Eh, small detail.

So, next time you grab a bag of chips, remember: it’s not your health they care about—it’s how much more they can squeeze out of you in taxes. Cheers to healthy eating, courtesy of your friendly neighborhood politicians!