London Daily

Focus on the big picture.
Tuesday, Jul 22, 2025

Why people still believe in the 'soulmate myth'

Why people still believe in the 'soulmate myth'

The allure of ‘The One’ stretches across time and cultures. Why do some people continue to believe in finding the perfect person?

Hannah Miller says she’s always believed in soulmates. She remembers being a child, hearing that seahorses have one partner forever. She loved the idea there might be just one person for her, too.

When she was 10, she was introduced to Sam, a friend of her sister’s, at a group outing to a theme park. She remembers him holding her hand on the scariest rides and her sister teasing her, saying she and Sam were going to get married. “It’s a bit embarrassing, but I did fall head over heels that day,” says Miller, 45, from Birmingham, UK. “I went on the school bus on Monday and told all my friends about the older boy who held my hand.”

She didn’t cross paths with the boy from the theme park again until she was 18, but once she did, things moved quickly. Weeks later, Sam told Hannah that he was falling in love with her, and the two were married just before her 20th birthday. “Commitment felt like it came easily – this was it, we were meant to be together, so why wait,” she says. “We knew that there was no reason not to get married, because we were soulmates.”

An astonishing number of people believe in soulmates, according to one 2021 survey; the idea of ‘The One’ carries across many other cultures, too. There are many reasons why people are hopeful that their perfect person is out there, and during the last 50 years, the idea has only increased in popularity. Experts believe that whether or not we believe in soulmates is deeply rooted in our personal circumstances and psychology – but it’s possible that those hoping to find a pre-destined partner might be dooming their relationships from the start.

A brief history of soulmates


The Greek philosopher Plato wrote that humans once had four arms, four legs and two faces. He explained that Zeus split us in half as a punishment for our pride, and we were destined to walk the Earth searching for our other half.

Our understanding of love and relationships might have evolved since 385 BCE, when Plato penned Symposium, but the idea of having an ‘other half’ still endures for many, and has lasted across numerous cultures throughout history. Some Hindu traditions hold the idea that people have a karmic connection with certain souls; in Yiddish, there is a term for an ideal or predestined marriage partner – your ‘bashert’ – which loosely translates to destiny. Thirteenth-century Persian poet and Islamic scholar Rumi posed the idea that lovers do not finally meet, but that they are somehow in each other all along. And from Romeo and Juliet to Heathcliff and Cathy, Western literature is replete with examples of lovers who were meant to be together.

"We knew that there was no reason not to get married, because we were soulmates" – Hannah Miller


But although the concept of a soulmate might have existed for thousands of years, the actual term was probably only introduced in the 19th Century. Its first recorded use is in 1822, in a letter written by poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge. “To be happy in Married Life... you must have a Soul-mate,” he wrote. Coleridge’s own love life was unhappy – he married mostly due to social pressures and spent most of the union apart from his wife, before they eventually separated for good.

Yet despite Coleridge’s inability to find a true soulmate, the idea persisted, rocketing in popularity, especially in recent decades. Brad Wilcox, a professor of sociology and director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, US, notes a rise in the appeal of soulmates since the 1970s, when the advent of what he calls the “me decade” and a culture of individualism shifted our approach to relationships.

“People are now more likely to look for relationships that make them happy and fulfilled,” he says. “It’s also facilitated by unprecedented prosperity in the West, which made people less dependent on marriage for economic survival. There was a shift from a pragmatic approach to marriage to a more expressive, soulmate model of marriage where people’s expectations are more psychological and less material.”

The enduring nature of the soulmate myth


There are plenty of reasons to be sceptical about the idea of a perfect person being predestined for you. After all, most people don’t stray far when finding their partner, with the majority of Americans marrying someone from the same state as them, and 43% marrying someone who they went to high school or college with.

On a planet of nearly eight billion people, it’s quite a coincidence that so many peoples’ soulmates are just in the next classroom. Yet the idea of a soulmate has persisted across numerous societies and time periods – what is it about the concept of The One that people find so irresistible?

Bradley Onishi, an associate professor of religion at Skidmore College, US, has used his background in the history of ideas to try and understand the enduring nature of soulmate mythology. He believes that there is something innate in our desire to believe in soulmates.

The soulmate myth promises that amidst the dizzying and often confusing landscape of dating apps there is one match out there that will make sense of it all – Bradley Onishi


“The soulmate myth promises fulfilment,” says Onishi. “It says that the isolation and loneliness that are so often part of the human experience are only temporary – that someday there will be a happily ever after in which we are united with The One who understands us at every level, protects us from harm and gives our life overwhelming significance.”

He points out that, for many of us, believing in a soulmate is a way of constructing a cohesive narrative from the oftentimes chaotic and unpredictable experience of looking for love. “The soulmate myth is really good at taking all the bad first dates, the breakups, the dashed hopes and disappointments and putting them into a story that says ‘someday all of this will fall into place’,” he says.

This is particularly true when it comes to modern dating, perhaps explaining how the soulmate idea has evolved over time. In recent years, the term ‘twin flame’ has surged in popularity, a more spiritual way of understanding the idea that there might be someone that you are simply supposed to be with.

“We live in a time of overwhelming uncertainty – politically, environmentally and socially,” explains Onishi. “The soulmate myth promises that amidst the dizzying and often confusing landscape of dating apps there is one match out there that will make sense of it all. It promises an anchor to modern life that many find appealing.”

Practical expectations?


Practically, looking for a soulmate may not be the best approach, however. “Soulmate marriages are more fragile because feelings fluctuate,” Wilcox says. “Having a less soulmate-based approach is linked to more stability.”

Research into hundreds of relationships has showed having an expectation of finding a soulmate actually leads to dysfunctional patterns of behaviour and even makes you more likely to breakup with your partner. This is because people who believe in soulmates tend to have what is known as a ‘destiny’ mindset. Since they are holding out for a perfect person, they are more likely to doubt their relationship, or view a hiccup in the road as a dealbreaker – perhaps this just wasn’t their person after all.

Even if soulmates don't exist, there's a lot of comfort in believing people can find The One


On the other hand, soulmate sceptics tend to have a ‘growth’ mindset. They believe that relationships take work and compromise, and are motivated to find solutions to problems.

“An expectation that something will be instantly and everlastingly perfect only leads to disappointment and resentment, because this simply isn’t realistic,” says Ruth Micallef, a specialist BACP-registered counsellor who works with many patients experiencing relationship struggles. “Some of the most successful relationships are couples who have spent years supporting each other through all of the personal changes that they are going through, and never expect each other to be ‘perfect’ or ‘everything’.”

The idea of finding your soulmate might be a balm after a bad date, or create a sense of structure and narrative to your own love story. But ultimately, actually believing that you’ve found your soulmate might not be a good thing – and experts say that you certainly shouldn’t worry about looking for one.

“None of us is perfect – not you, and not your future mate,” says Wilcox. “So, focus on the non-negotiables – the virtues that will sustain a good marriage, shared values and some common interests. But don’t expect to check every box in a future spouse, unless you wish to be a permanent bachelor or bachelorette.”

Yet for some, believing in the soulmate myth simply seems to work. Hannah has now been married to Sam for 23 years, and the pair have three children together.

“It might well be the thing I am most proud of,” she says of her relationship. “So much of life is uncertain, but I can say with confidence that we have grown up together, and will continue to grow old together, forever soulmates.”

Newsletter

Related Articles

0:00
0:00
Close
US Treasury Secretary Calls for Institutional Review of Federal Reserve Amid AI‑Driven Growth Expectations
UK Government Considers Dropping Demand for Apple Encryption Backdoor
Severe Flooding in South Korea Claims Lives Amid Ongoing Rescue Operations
Japanese Man Discovers Family Connection Through DNA Testing After Decades of Separation
Russia Signals Openness to Ukraine Peace Talks Amid Escalating Drone Warfare
Switzerland Implements Ban on Mammography Screening
Japanese Prime Minister Vows to Stay After Coalition Loses Upper House Majority
Pogacar Extends Dominance with Stage Fifteen Triumph at Tour de France
CEO Resigns Amid Controversy Over Relationship with HR Executive
Man Dies After Being Pulled Into MRI Machine Due to Metal Chain in New York Clinic
NVIDIA Achieves $4 Trillion Valuation Amid AI Demand
US Revokes Visas of Brazilian Corrupted Judges Amid Fake Bolsonaro Investigation
U.S. Congress Approves Rescissions Act Cutting Federal Funding for NPR and PBS
North Korea Restricts Foreign Tourist Access to New Seaside Resort
Brazil's Supreme Court Imposes Radical Restrictions on Former President Bolsonaro
Centrist Criticism of von der Leyen Resurfaces as she Survives EU Confidence Vote
Judge Criticizes DOJ Over Secrecy in Dropping Charges Against Gang Leader
Apple Closes $16.5 Billion Tax Dispute With Ireland
Von der Leyen Faces Setback Over €2 Trillion EU Budget Proposal
UK and Germany Collaborate on Global Military Equipment Sales
Trump Plans Over 10% Tariffs on African and Caribbean Nations
Flying Taxi CEO Reclaims Billionaire Status After Stock Surge
Epstein Files Deepen Republican Party Divide
Zuckerberg Faces $8 Billion Privacy Lawsuit From Meta Shareholders
FIFA Pressured to Rethink World Cup Calendar Due to Climate Change
SpaceX Nears $400 Billion Valuation With New Share Sale
Microsoft, US Lab to Use AI for Faster Nuclear Plant Licensing
Trump Walks Back Talk of Firing Fed Chair Jerome Powell
Zelensky Reshuffles Cabinet to Win Support at Home and in Washington
"Can You Hit Moscow?" Trump Asked Zelensky To Make Putin "Feel The Pain"
Irish Tech Worker Detained 100 days by US Authorities for Overstaying Visa
Dimon Warns on Fed Independence as Trump Administration Eyes Powell’s Succession
Church of England Removes 1991 Sexuality Guidelines from Clergy Selection
Superman Franchise Achieves Success with Latest Release
Hungary's Viktor Orban Rejects Agreements on Illegal Migration
Jeff Bezos Considers Purchasing Condé Nast as a Wedding Gift
Ghislaine Maxwell Says She’s Ready to Testify Before Congress on Epstein’s Criminal Empire
Bal des Pompiers: A Celebration of Community and Firefighter Culture in France
FBI Chief Kash Patel Denies Resignation Speculations Amid Epstein List Controversy
Air India Pilot’s Mental Health Records Under Scrutiny
Google Secures Windsurf AI Coding Team in $2.4 Billion Licence Deal
Jamie Dimon Warns Europe Is Losing Global Competitiveness and Flags Market Complacency
South African Police Minister Suspended Amid Organised Crime Allegations
Nvidia CEO Claims Chinese Military Reluctance to Use US AI Technology
Hong Kong Advances Digital Asset Strategy to Address Economic Challenges
Australia Rules Out Pre‑commitment of Troops, Reinforces Defence Posture Amid US‑China Tensions
Martha Wells Says Humanity Still Far from True Artificial Intelligence
Nvidia Becomes World’s First Four‑Trillion‑Dollar Company Amid AI Boom
U.S. Resumes Deportations to Third Countries After Supreme Court Ruling
Excavation Begins at Site of Mass Grave for Children at Former Irish Institution
×